Lately, this is how I feel about work:




















However, I am more than pleased with myself for getting drunk and breaking my camera because then I got to buy a new, BETTER camera. If only everything in life were so easy!

Who's got two thumbs and had a killer weekend? THIS GIRL!

I took a precious half-day of vacation on Friday so Darren and I could get to Duluth in time to take in the Christmas City of the North Parade with my dad and sister. We had plans to watch the parade, perhaps enjoy a beverage or two of the alcoholic variety and Darren and I were going to head back the cities on Saturday afternoon.

Now let me tell you what really happened, but first let me tell you that I might still be drunk.

Darren picked me up at work at 11:00, where I sometimes make up my own hours, and we were in Duluth two hours later. I love winter, if only for the lack of traffic traveling north. Dad arrived to Angie's apartment shortly after I did, and once he showed up we went to Red Lobster. Endless shrimp thrwarts any hope of weight loss. Endlessly delicious is what that shit is. After filling up on fishstuffs, we cruised around Dad's Duluth for a bit and learned which bars accepted underage drinkers back in the day. Then we went to Angie's place and watched The Office and I may have leaked a little bit of urine on her couch. I'm in love with Jim.

The parade was wonderful. The weather was perfect and we walked downtown from Angie's apartment because it just didn't make any sense not to. AND the Superior band played the Christmas City theme song, which was the highlight of the parade...until the very end when our favorite little man, Brody Alan Anderson, made an appearance with his fabulous mother. I love that family. Seriously. Isn't that weird, considering we're not related or anything?

Take note of the detail of he sober parts of the weekend. I'm trying to compensate for what I don't remember later on in the evening.

Dad left promptly after the parade and Angie and I started pounding them back as quickly as we could without asphyxiating ourselves. Kelly joined us for a drink before we hit the bars and, for the first time ever, I remembered to keep a tally of how many beers I had had to drink. Seven before we set foot outside Angie's apartment. Speaking of setting foot outside Angie's apartment, we were faced with not only a crazy man wandering down the road mumbling his craziness at us, but men in the ditch by the Bethel yelling shit at us. So we turned around and went back.

Christina came to get us, and from there I stop remembering things. There was the Pioneer, of course, where we met up with Aurora and Brian and Brian's cousin and her boyfriend and Abby, and then there was Ace's, which was a new experience for me. We made some middle-aged friends at Ace's and one of them rubbed Angie's thigh a lot. Also, they once saw someone I know naked. And they told me she likes to wear thongs. Cool! I would show you a picture of the guys, but my son of a bitchin' camera chose to not open it's lens all the way.

After Ace's, we went to Erberts and Gerberts - another new experience. It was there that I met Ethan for the first time. News flash: Ethan/Ian/Evan is hot. Also, my sister slept with him on Friday night. I watched. It was pretty adorable.

Also at Erberts and Gerberts: more new friends! Drunk 18-year-olds that Angie immediately took to. She's such a lover when she drinks. So much of a lover that she didn't stop me when I unwrapped her tappy and ate her guts, then half her sandwich. Your eyes aren't deceiving you. This is mad love. (Name that psycho.)

And then? Board games with sandwich boy and Darren until 5am! And after board games? The Office again! I love bringing that show into people's lives. I remember looking at the clock from Angie's bed when I finally went to sleep and realizing it was 5:38 and I had been awake for 24 hours and 13 minutes. I get really excitd when I make it awake for 24 straight hours. I think this might be the third time ever.

Where the fuck is this blog going?

On Saturday we recovered, went to Aurora's very impressive Bare Bones show and started drinking again. Angie and I were disheartened when we realized that we didn't have any money so we were only going to get to use the bars for people-meeting and not beer-drinking. Then Darren, who I love dearly, pulled out his wallet and asked us if $30 was going to be enough. The man gave us $30 to leave so he could sit in Angie's apartment alone and drink. It was the best $30 of not-my money ever spent. Do you know where it was all spent? At the Pioneer. Fuckin' dive bars get me every time. We tried to let Yvonne get us, but we found her to not be working AGAIN. Seriously woman, at this rate your fan club is going to dwindle to...probably just us.

At the Pioneer and beer, peanut, pool and Ethan. I don't know how that kid can stand being around Angie and I together when we're sober, but when we're drunk and he's sober? Saint Ethan from now on. The most disturbing part of the evening was when this guy came out of the bathrooms and just stood there. I was like, "What's up, man?" and he was like, "That is the girl of my dreams. I see her (read: stalk her) on First Street every day." And I was like, "Dude, that's my sister, go talk to her." And then he did and I had to ask Ethan to pretend Angie was his girlfriend to make the weird guy stop getting freaky on my sister. It worked and he fled, but then I went and got him to dance with me. More dancing. Eff.

I also danced with Skinny Boy, who we thought might have died before running into him last night. Then he called Angie and we played the game where Angie hands me the phone mid-sentence and the person on the other end of the line has no idea. He was trying to get us to go somewhere and he told me, thinking I was Angie, "Wow, you really ARE fucked up" when I tried to repeat the address that he had given "me" (Angie) two minutes before. Eleventh Street and Second Avenue are like the same thing, damn it.

And then? Board games with Ethan until 4am! I'm not kidding you. It was the same episode of The Office that put everyone to sleep again too. This morning we came back to the cities at 9am and despite hours of napping, pizza and working out, I have still not recovered.

And finally...three day week at work! YES! And next weekend? Just me, Angie, the bars, leftover turkey and Swiss Colony spread.

It's over now. You're welcome.

I have watched at least four hours of Parental Control today and I have come to the conclusion that my mother MUST be the one who writes the "witty" couch banter between the parents and their child's neglected mate left behind during the dates.

"OH MAN, did you hear that?! She's talking about his balls!"
"Yeah, I'll show you MY balls."

Okay, so Mom doesn't say that, but if she had balls, she would. Right over her head.

I'm going on my 46th hour of not leaving my apartment. Not my apartment building - my actual apartment. Here's a synopsis of my weekend:

• Sleep: 25 hours (so far)
• Hours spent in anything other than my pajamas: none
• Number of useful tasks I have accomplished: none
• Favorite real life moment: the cat puking in his water bowl
• Favorite TV moment: the Hogans trying to figure out what "kosher" means
• Favorite computer moment: Flag Makeover. So much in love.
• Culinary creation: olives wrapped in shaved roast beef
• Low point: Darren offering to let me give him head while he watched the hockey game. Romance, people.
• High point: laughing at him
• Book I can't put down: Back When We Were Grownups
• Song of the weekend: The Pick of Desinty. Thanks, MTV.

And here I thought I did nothing all weekend. Pfft.

As a side note, if I had a gun, I would honest to goodness shoot the terrors running in the hallway. And I would enjoy it. A lot.

Today has been one of those days. You know the kind. The ones where bit by bit you are reminded of things you did or said the night before but had temporarily blocked out. Thanks, alcohol! For example, Darren and I were just watching a movie and someone said, "Wow, you really took a shot." And then I realized...I took a shot last night! The nice girl in pink with the tongue ring bought it for me. Just one, but hard alcohol and staying at my workplace? I was just asking for it.

Yesterday I loaded up my backpack with 24 cans of beer, hopped on the bus, and made my way downtown. It only seemed fitting to have a backpack full of beer to go hang out with my college friends. It was Goldfine all over again. Angie and Aurora and Kelly and, duh, Brian all came to the cities to celebrate Brian's 24th birthday, which is today. Today is also Javy Lopez's birthday. November 5th has brought this world some good men.

Let me tell you about the parts of last night that I remember, shall I? Okay!

Aurora and Angie were the first to arrive to the hotel. I felt sort of bad drinking alone and the Bible had already come out of the drawer, so thank goodness I wasn't alone long. Shortly after Aurora and Angie arrived, Kelly and Brian joined us, and there were cheers all around. We drank in the room until our blood was adequately saturated, then we decided to go visit our missing member at work. Poor Alexis. Not only did she have the Worst Week Ever, she had to put up with five tipsy, squealy friends at her BOOK STORE, where silence is typically appreciated. I'm not sure how long we were there, but I ended up leaving with five books. I also recall, and have photographic reminders of, feigning masturbation in the religion section. It was quite wonderful to see Alexis, as it was the rest of the gang, and I think we had at least four drinks each in tribute to our dear, sweet absent friend.

Wait a minute. Before I go on, let's discuss wardrobe. Aurora brought khaki back, a la Steve Irwin, thanks to the clearance rack at Target. We were all a little distraught when we spotted another female wearing the same shirt. We should have kicked her ass. Kelly worked the layers like a fashion goddess. Seriously, why is this girl not on a runway somewhere? Brian took his pants off for us a little bit (whose birthday was it, anyway?), but also found a pair of sunnies in Aurora's car that complimented his ensemble perfectly. Angie wore her cute new coat, which I don't think she took off the entire evening. Even when we danced for a long, long time. I know she had a boob shirt on undernearth it, but with a face like that, who needs to show off her (admitably fabulous) chest? Speaking of chests, I wonder how many tits that guy on the dance floor groped last night.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. We left Alexis and tried to find Woody's, which she recommended. We cruised around some parking ramps which felt a lot like playing chicken and we couldn't find Woody's so Kelly wasn't able to pick up the guy in the Mustang. We grew worried about our fading buzzes and quickly made our way back downtown. Now I'm not sure how this happened, but there's something about Brian and a cousin and this bar and so many free drinks. FREE. No charge. Well, Angie did buy two, for $4 each. Somehow it only cost her a dollar though. She might have had her coat off for that order.

This is where I have less to write about because I don't quite remember. I know there was lots and lots of dancing and recruiting men to dance with Kelly and Angie, and maybe Aurora too. Hell if I remember. Apparently we called Kelly's brother Wade/Wayne and then I cracked up her phone. I don't know what I had to say to Wadyne and I really don't want to. Kelly, let me know what I owe you for repairs. The phone I mean, because the therapy sessions your brother might need after that message are most likely out of my budget. Everyone else, don't allow me around phones after I've had anything over eleven drinks.

When we came back, we were denied access to our room by the doors I assume our stoner neighbors closed. Honestly, who throws a shoe? Talk about confusion.

In closing, my sister-in-law shot a deer last night - a nice, big doe. I asked my mom if she was able to cut out the asshole because we had been discussing this challenge earlier in the day, and my mom responded, "I don't think she had to. It was a doe." There you have it. Lady deer don't poop.

Brian, thanks for being born. Can we celebrate your birthday again next week?