I love Tower. I must have said that a dozen times at the Tower bars last night. Let me tell you why.

At the first bar my dad, Darren and I went to, I was served by the most popular (totally) girl in my high school class AND my high school crush (all throughout high school…and he has, how shall I say…bettered his body since then. WOW.) Anyway, there was a party going on at the first bar for a couple who was employed there and who have an (illegitimate) baby who spends way too much time in that bar. The reason for the party was that the couple is moving to California. Their reason for moving? Baby daddy has some jail time to serve in Cali. Let’s throw a party for THAT guy! To his credit, he seems pretty nice.

We drank with my dad’s other wife (Beth’s) husband (Brad) for a while, and were joined by his whole family before long. We were given beer upon beer against our will, and Brad tried on many occasions to buy us each a Flaming Blue Jesus.

What the hell is a Flaming Blue Jesus?

Before we left at maybe 10:30 or 11:00 to go to bar number two to enjoy a game of pool, the owners from bar number one were atop the bar, swinging their bodies recklessly around the pole that had been installed at the end of the bar with just that purpose in mind. They did keep their clothes on, but my dad kept saying, “Oh my God, that pole is going to give out and they’re going to fly right into the grill.” We didn’t see it happen, but then again, they were still working the pole when we left.

We were greeted by a bartender and three whole patrons at the second bar. The best part of this is that one of the patrons was the bartender’s wife’s ex-fiancée. For the record, she’s a dirty whore and the bartender could do way better than her, but I digress.

I played both my dad and Darren at pool and managed to hop the white ball (cue ball?) off the table twice. Angie would have been proud. I’m a really good pool player and, as you can see, my knowledge of the game is extensive. My dad kept telling me what number ball to hit and I had to keep saying, "COLOR, Dad. What COLOR?"

After about an hour, Beth and Brad showed up, but without any kids this time. They came in the bar giggling because they were pretty sure they had helped get their daughter and her boyfriend, both impressively drunk, pulled over on their way back to Embarrass. I’m curious to hear what developed there…and to know what detox was like for them.

True to the theme of the evening, Brad ordered a Flaming Blue Jesus because he couldn’t coerce any of us to try it. All of our hopes were shattered when the bartender confessed he had no idea what the hell a Flaming Blue Jesus was. He spent probably a half hour looking through his book o' drinks and came up with nothing. Just so that doesn’t happen to any of you, click here and never wonder what comprises a Flaming Blue Jesus again.

Also, I have another niece. She's a foster niece for now, but she will soon be legally adopted. Here is Little Black Dog, Pup, Puppy, LBD, or Lola:

She came to visit us yesterday and I realized after she left that she had peed in my room, but I love her anyway.