At an time alarmingly close to my wake-up-and-go-to-church hour this morning, I awoke to a wood tick crawling on my lip, headed straight for the tropical regions of my mouth. I faintly heard it whispering, "Wake up, you heathen bitch. Go to church!" Naturally, I ignored it and flicked it across the room because I was too lazy to get up and flush it down the toilet or fry the little sucker.

Okay okay, so the tick didn't talk (get it? tick, no talk!), but I felt like it should have, waking me up and trying to get me out of bed when it did.